Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
