BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
