the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
