first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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