You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
