I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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