Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
