I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
