Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
