I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
