you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
