i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
