So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
