Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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