I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
