i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
