The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
