The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
