My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
