There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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