I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
