I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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