After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
