Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
