gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
