he tried to breastfeed my turtle
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize