one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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