Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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