Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
