he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
