I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
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That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
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My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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