please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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