i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
