Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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