Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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