I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Where is the hickey?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
