It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize