I bet he comes in French.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
