my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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