I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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