The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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