You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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