remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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