They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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