I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
