This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
