I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
