Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
