Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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