well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
