You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Randomize
