i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
