I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Who did Billy Mays play for?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
