I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
