I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
