If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
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Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
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Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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