we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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