we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
