Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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