Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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