Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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